Amnesty International condemns comedian: “Not funny, didn’t laugh!”

Home » Amnesty International condemns comedian: “Not funny, didn’t laugh!”

Last night, Dominic Pelch took to the stage at a popular Dublin venue to announce that he is officially the first comedian ever to be sponsored by a Saudi Prince. I met with him in his dressing room before the show to speak with him about how the deal came to be and what it will mean for his act moving forward.

“I negotiated the deal all by myself. It was a long process, but I’m pleased to say we did work something out in the end. You see, when we first started talking seven years ago, I told the Prince that I wanted to make lots of jokes about how women are terrible at parallel parking. But it turned out that women weren’t legally allowed to drive in his country at all back then. Of course, I did what anybody in my position would have done. I put the pressure on and they were actually forced to overturn that particular law. You’re welcome ladies!”

I asked Mr Pelch how he felt the sponsorship would affect his material moving forward.

“A good friend of mine was very worried about this. I told her the big news and she got very upset. She felt that I had made a dangerous compromise and that people like me were being used to distract from Saudi Arabia’s questionable human rights record. She called it sports-washing. But it’s not sports-washing, is it? Because comedy isn’t a sport. If it was, I wouldn’t be doing it. Let’s face it, I’m quite fat, I don’t play well with others, and I don’t have asthma, but as a child my panic attacks were mistaken for asthma attacks, so I have always had an inhaler.”

At this point in the interview, Mr Pelch began chewing his fingernails. Something was nagging at him.

“I did feel conflicted. My friend is gay and Saudi Arabia is not a particularly welcoming place for anyone in the queer community. So yes, I did feel torn. On the one hand, I wanted to be an ally to her and to anyone who felt threatened by violence and persecution. And on the other hand… I really like money. Really, really, really like it.”

Flashing a shiny new Rolex watch on his left wrist, Mr Pelch continued.

“In the end, I signed the contract. But I can honestly tell you that it has had no impact on the content of my work at all. I still have the same outlook on the world that I’ve always had and I swear you won’t hear anything unusual or out of place in my set tonight, okay? Alright.”

When Mr Pelch finally took to the stage to perform, his announcement was met with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. Nevertheless, he continued with his set as planned, beginning with a philosophical question of sorts.

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To demonstrate to the lazy infidels of the West just how safe it is to travel on Highway 10, the longest straight road in the world today, stretching from Haradh to the Batha border. May its tarmac survive for a thousand years, inshallah!

Mr Pelch’s first joke was received with total silence. And then somebody coughed. The rest of the show followed a similar pattern of unearned confidence on the part of the performer and complete disinterest on the part of the audience.

“Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ney. Ney who? Neymar, the world famous Brazilian footballer. He is here to play in the fabulous Saudi football league – an international competition of great repute!

“A man walks into a bar. I’m sorry, says the bartender, we don’t serve alcohol here, that would be immoral.”

“Who here has a net worth of $25 billion dollars? Anybody? Anybody at all? Come on, don’t be shy! Is Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman in the house tonight? Let’s all put our hands together for Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman!”

By now many people had already walked out of the show, but there was indeed a smattering of half-hearted applause amongst the few who remained.

“Okay, I’m afraid I’m running out of time, but I have just one more thing to say… If you want to avoid bad jokes about bad aeroplane food, fly first class. Fly… Air Saudia. As you soar through the air, you’ll enjoy the finest food and drink available. You’ll be able to put your feet up and relax. And you’ll meet lots of interesting people from all over the world — most of them footballers!

A representative for Mr Pelch has declined to comment today on the exact monetary worth of his sponsorship deal. However, the comedian was spotted this afternoon driving two solid gold Ferraris stacked on top of each other through the city centre. Amnesty International have condemned his business dealings as immoral and unethical. They have challenged him to a roast battle to settle the matter, but they say he is too chicken to take part. And that he stinks too. Ouch.